Deception

Deception, something I've encountered one too many times.
To the extent that now I'm constantly watching my back, always cautious.
I'm suspicious of people who I probably shouldn't be suspicious of
I am so detached and protective that some may think I am the deceptive one.
I activate my defense mechanisms at the slightest hint of uncertainty.
Even if it's a false alarm.

I feel safe now, but I don't know what's waiting for me tomorrow.
I'm expecting the unexpected.
After all, everything that has happened in the last week has been beyond unpredictable

And I have just realise, that the deception I sensed was in fact, deceptive.
There was nothing to be scared of, nothing to block,
My opponent was only an infant in comparison.
An infant that has now been wounded by my miscalculated actions.
Now I have become the culprit.
The poor infant who was unprepared retaliates with violent verbal attacks
But this just reflects the pain and hurt inside.

Deception.
When you are made to believe that what appears as a innocent is actually vicious inside.
But in reality, they are just inexperienced and naive.

Detaching myself from fear

Usually, I'd avoid going to events where the only person I know is the host. But I went against my instincts, as I've been doing this whole week, and just went anyway.
Turned out to be the best decision I've made all week. Not that I've made many decisions this week.


Any sort of intellectual discussion is probably inappropriate when you're at a bar on a Friday night, but this was an exception. I managed to strike up a pretty good conversation with someone who was explaining his approach to life. Making decisions after you've detached yourself from fear.
When I make plans, I always think about what could go wrong afterwards: If I go on exchange, I might not get a grad job offer, if I don't go into marketing and start up a cafe instead, I might fail and go back to living off my parents. If I become a freelance travel blogger, I might not be able to support myself. But seriously? YOLO! (as cliched as that is) Would I make the same decisions and live the same life if I didn't make decisions out of fear?
I have a pretty good idea of what I would do.

Even if none of the things I've mentioned are my life calling, I know I'd rather do that than what I'm doing now. And knowing that, shouldn't I give it a go? I feel like I've almost been brain washed. But it makes so much sense. Letting my logical side decide for me used to be what I considered the 'smart' thing to do, but most of the good choices I've made in life came out of my emotional decisions, impulsive, spontaneous, crazy things that I've achieved. Why go through life working in an office, sitting in front of a computer screen looking through data, numbers, endless blocks of text?  Why spend your life doing something that you wouldn't do if you weren't getting paid when you can do something you love, something you would spend time doing anyway, something you'd even spend money to do? (Although I must admit I'd probably still go into marketing as my preferred career)

And this brings me again back to Cancun, when the scuba diving guides told us that they'd pay to go scuba diving at least a few times every week if they didn't do it as a job.
That's what I should be doing.

So now, I've got one goal.
To do something, anything, as small as it might be, to get me closer to something I want to do everyday. Whether it be cooking (which I already do), writing, taking photos, drawing, anything that will take me where I want to be.
To find a job at a cafe as stupid as that sounds. Just one day a week (while I'm working full time) to see what it's really like.
I'm just looking for a backup plan 
And what's there to lose?
nothing I can think of...

In one week

Crazy Week...
don't even know where to start
;)

Answers

I'm way too optimistic most of the time.
Always thinking that something good will happen to me today,
or tomorrow, or this week.
Some time soon.
But the reality is, my life is pretty predictable and I kind of already know that nothing today,
tomorrow, this week, this month or this year will exceed my expectations.
So no I'm not going to win the lotto, I won't get an awesome job offer and the cute guy isn't interested.
and even though I know all this, I can't help but wonder if I could possibly be wrong.
I hate waiting to find out, I don't want to wait.

I just want someone to tell me right now:
Will I win the lotto?
Am I going to get this job?
Could the cute guy be interested?
Someone give me an answer please!

And there I go again, hoping someone will answer my questions
when I haven't even made the effort to ask.
I haven't bought the lottery ticket, applied for the job or talked to the cute guy.
Because I don't like losing, being rejected or disliked.
and unless I know with some level of certainty what the outcome will be,
I will probably never take the risk, but will always think about the positive outcomes.

Maybe I'm too pessimistic?
(even that's optimistic; thinking that my problems all link back to one personal attribute that can be changed)

So true.

The Pick On Shirley Game

I admit I overreact more often than I should.
and usually this behavior makes things more serious than it needs to be.
But lately I feel like nothing in my life is going right.
It's been way too long to blame it on exchange, but I haven't got a clue what could be behind it.
Almost everything that's happening, every new major piece of information is progressively worse
and I'm about to surrender to this pressure.
My life has already started crumbling and I can only see it falling apart, before it gets any better.
I'm stuck in this pit of bubbling acid, with no foreseeable way out - unless I just quit.

This stupid game is what gave me the worst day and second worst day of my life.
It's making me cry more than I used to - and I shouldn't be living like this.
I'm not a quitter, but right now, staying in the game is just torture to myself.
Quitting is the brave thing to do.

Off the scales

Shitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.
Must stay focused.
The ultimate goal is just around the corner.
I need new inspiration and motivation.
HELP!